I am not making this up!

By now, you must think that Crazy Cornelia is a series in my blog I invented. You might be wondering why Ingrid has a hashtag and Cornelia does not. But believe me, I am not making this up. This is happening.

On Wednesday, my phone rang. Luckily, caller ID showed “Cornelia Meyer”. Na-ah, totally not answering. If I thought that would solve the problem, I was very wrong. A few minutes later, three texts came in. Both Ingrid and I stared into my phone in disbelief because with Cornelia, you always think you have reached the highest level of insanity but no. Despite my never answering her calls or texts, she keeps sending me long stories.

“Dear Helen, I was at the landlord’s yesterday, at Jungfernstieg 34. (Because obviously it is important for me to know detailed addresses.) Have left Mrs Sietz a note on the current situation in the house. They said she wasn’t there but I believe I heard her voice. (Well, I am not so surprised she does not want to talk to you.) I have read in the MOPO (large Hamburg newspaper) that a sentence has been spoken again Erik Dunkler and Marie-Louise and Lisa Treppmann. State Court Hamburg-City/Altona, April 28th, 2014. Dunkler is my ex-boyfriend, Treppmann is the previous tenant of my apartment, and Marie-Louise is the friend of Treppmann who wants to move into my apartment. (Maybe she could draw a chart of all actors to make it even more clear?) I told her she can’t have it because I told Mrs Sietz that I suggest YOU as a new tenant and I told her that you have long since emailed her. (I have not emailed anyone, actually the only contact I have ever had with Cornelia was one phone call and one text.) Mrs Sietz has UNTIL TODAY not gotten back to me! The sentence in the court was about their debts with their PIMP!!!!!” (Nothing lesser than prostitution and pimps of course. But wait for it, this is only the beginning of the real thriller.)

“They have simply PUT MY ADDRESS AND GONE ON VACATION! I saw Treppmann very pregnant with a joint and a cocktail at a club at Reeperbahn. (Told you: sex, drugs…) That was some 4 weeks ago! Followed her. She hid in Altona. In a flat share. (I love how Cornelia starts writing in a suspense-style now. The tension is unbearable.) Behind the Große Brunnenstraße behind the playground in the yellow house. (Cornelia is really meticulous with giving precis information) Approached her but she only ran away quickly! (Because we all know how fast very pregnant, stoned and drunk women run.)”

“Marie-Louise, you have acting illegally. There is an EBV. (Still have not been able to find out what that is.) I have older and better rights for the direct property of my apartment. (I did not know there was such a thing as good and better rights?) (…) Mrs Herrke is very upset. All neighbours want me to stay. I am sorry to tell you your eviction attempt has failed. Leave me alone, Mrs Whatever. FOFF” (Ingrid and I researched that this means Fuck off fucking fuck. Sorry, mom, I am only transcribing.)

While I was wondering why Cornelia calls me Marie-Louise, I get the fourth message:

“I sent the last text to Marie-Louise on April 10th. They broke into my apartment when I was gone. I locked the door, when I came back it was only closed. Now they WANT TO EVICT ME AND WANT MONEY FROM ME FOR THE COURT COST LAWYER IS COUNT OF WESTPHAL. This is the absolute megadisgusting disgusthammer! Kiss from your Cornelia”. (This might very well be the most drastic linguistic register change in the history of texts sent to me.)

Ingrid immediately researched the names and could confirm that the involved people exist and study at Hamburg University. I have not replied to Cornelia but I worry about her: am I her only (invented) friend? Should I send her the address of a therapist? And most importantly, is she really a soon to be graduated lawyer?!

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